IN MY AGONY, HIS AMAZING GRACE

          

       I am really filled with excitement and ecstasy to meet you through this  blog and to share the miraculous love that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ had showered on me and still showering. I believe that through this testimony God’s name will be glorified and many will be touched by Holy Spirit to make us realize and understand that Jesus is still alive and the same God who died on the cross for our sins and resurrected on the third day is still with us, with an ever-loving heart and stretched arms to bless us. I am Vijayavenkataraman, doing my final year Mechanical Engineering in a prestigious Institution called College of Engineering, Anna University Chennai. As I walk back through my memory lane, I was born and brought up in an orthodox Brahmin family. I knew hand in and hand out, the customs and rituals that a Brahmin must follow and practice. I had a great passion for God and Godly things. I used to get up early in the morning during the month of December (Maarghazhi), take bath, go out to fetch flowers, decorate the so called Gods and Goddesses, chant mantras and serve them with much zeal and dedication. I was dreaming that my Gods would descend down to see me and talk with me. On the other hand, I was a very brilliant and intelligent student, liked and envied by people around. I used to stand first in class, winning laurels in all other extra-curricular and co-curricular activities. I wished and yearned to be perfect in all things I do. Like Jews, I followed my scriptures religiously and like Greeks, I sought after wisdom. At this juncture, I would like to stress another point. My family was in absolute poverty. My dad and mom were not graduates. They had no permanent jobs. With the meagre remuneration, it was difficult to even pay my fees. Many days, I would go to school with half-tummy food and even empty tummy!! Still my passion for God and Wisdom remained still. My mom lost her mother at a very small age of 3 and her only place of peace from then was a Catholic church in my town. She was forced to earn her living from the age of 16. On the way back from her work, she used to go to the church and cry out to God in despair. There would be no people in the church in the weekdays unlike the temples and hence she would pour out all her bitterness to God. The sight of the crucified Jesus shook her and she longed for His love. She loved Jesus infact! When my dad liked to marry my mom, there were confusions, chaos and absolute resistance in both their families. Astrology was the root of all these problems. But by God’s perfect plan, they tied their nuptial knot and to prove false the astrological predictions, I was born as a great and precious gift and tongues that spoke against their marriage now admired me. This big story is to say a simple but crucial fact that my mom had a passion for Jesus even before her marriage. A seed sowed in a good land waiting for a stipulated period to uproot. Yes the time had come when my mom started to attend a protestant church regularly and Jesus entered my mom’s heart and stayed permanently. A day came when my dad and even my orthodox grandma accepted Jesus Christ. It was a night. My grandma became seriously ill. She had asthma problem which severed. We had no vehicles to take her to hospital and no money to hire an auto. My dad lifted my grandma in his arms and said, ‘all the Gods whom I served all these days couldn’t save my mom and Jesus, as people claim, if you are true God, deliver my mom and I will leave all my customs and accept you’. After the whole hearted dedication, an auto was hired to carry her to hospital, just to know that there were no doctors in the town and they were out for some conference. Hopeless they were returning and my grandma started to tell in her heart ‘Jesus, help me!’ Jesus heard her cry and she felt ‘something’ left her and she felt light both in her heart and body. Wonder, the whole family was now christenized, as I called. Another occasion, my grandma’s leg fracture was cured just by prayer.

But I was not moved in any way. Nothing could shake my belief. When pastor entered my house, I would go out and shout at my mom for her changing belief. I challenged her that till my death I will serve only Shiva and never allow anyone to mesmerize me to accept Christ. I could not remain silent as days passed. I was bewildered and started searching for books and scriptures that would clear my confusions and prove to me that my Gods are superior to Jesus. I read more than 50 or 100 books and nothing could satisfy me.  Though I studied in a Christian school, I had the broad mind to embrace all Gods and religions, may it be Christianity or Islam but I can never compromise on the preaching that Jesus is the only God. No holy scriptures, no teachings of holy saints quenched my thirst for the eternal divine power. As I invested time in the search for true God, my mom invested her time in prayers to bring me to God. I was exhausted searching and my heart melted slowly and I was surprised to see myself attending Sunday services and prayer meetings. Praise the Lord! I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour and started to grow in Him. More willingly and enthusiatically, I started reading the Holy Bible and seeked His presence. God lifted me up and I can very strongly say that “The fear of God is the beginning of Wisdom”. I really felt the difference. I had knowledge before accepting Christ but filled with the spirit of Wisdom after accepting Him. God fulfilled all the desires of my heart, small and big. But I didn’t go to seek Him just as He is fulfilling all my desires. I always go to Him because of the love that He had showered on me and the blood He shed on the cross for me. I stood first in my school and second in my town in the tenth exams, with 95%. I desired to study in another school, where I can’t afford to pay fees. God helped me miraculously to study in the same school in which I desired to study. I completed my 12^th board exams with 96% and a cut-off 198.75 out of 200. I wanted to study Mechanical Engineering in College of Engineering, Guindy and by God’s grace I got a seat. I have a testimony even here. When all my classmates joined entrance coaching classes, I had no money to go. I used to cry in God’s presence daily saying, ‘God, if there will be entrance, You teach me or else there need not be any entrance exam!’ And the gracious God, who heard my prayers, cancelled the entrance exam and I was through the gate in to the prestigious Anna University. I had written my public exams with out food, prepared and toiled burning the midnight oil, with only water as my energy drink! God strengthened me at all times and never put my head down.

       Good marks! Sure Mechanical Engineering seat in Anna University! But, where is the money to pursue my studies? With 3000 per month as family income, with a brother in school, how dare am I to dream about doing my Engineering?? But Bible says our God is Jehovah Jireh. Only a day remained for my counselling, my mom was grieving in her heart of her inability to educate me. It was 5 O’Clock in the evening. My mom’s boss had sponsored me a ticket to Chennai. No money to pay the fees for counselling. Rs.5000/- - a billion dollar value for me!! My dad was out to search for debtors. But, wonder, the centre of the story, I remained calm and silent, as I definitely know my God will help me. I thank God for the faith that He had given me in my heart. Suddenly a lady came and knocked the door at say 5.15 pm. The door was opened and she was welcomed and served tea. She introduced herself as my friend’s mom. Minutes passed in silence. I have never seen her before and she too had not!! She broke the silence and asked me "DO YOU HAVE ANY NEED?" I replied "No aunty! Not at all!” It is not my habit not to advertise my adversity to gain sympathy. Already people around are talking ill about our family, mocking at us for accepting Jesus from a Brahmin family and waiting for another opportunity to poke us. I can bear hunger, poverty, hurts, insults, crisis and anything. But I can never digest someone talking ill about my loving God. I allowed nobody to question “Didn’t Jesus, whom you follow and testify, provide for your need?” and the subsequent questions that will defile the glory of God. This attitude of mine had not permitted me to say “Yes aunty! I need money!” She remained quite and a few seconds later, the same question came more concretely this time, "DO YOU HAVE ANY NEED?" Now, with a surprised heart, I said more strongly "NO!!” She started telling something and I was struck with awe and wonder! Tears filled my eyes (even now as I write) and joy filled my heart thinking how much God loves His people!!

In her own words,

"For the past two days, I could not eat or sleep or do any work. I constantly heard a voice saying "Vijay! Vijay! Vijay!" My heart was burdened with the name 'Vijay!" The voice started saying "COUNT THE MONEY IN YOUR BUREAU!" I know it is God's voice. I prayed God asking Him, "God, in this big town of more than One Lakh inhabitants, how will I find the person you are pointing to, with no other identity except his name "VIJAY?". I asked my son Livingston, "Do you know anybody called VIJAY?" and he immediately replied "Yes!" Surprised and baffled, I continued "Is he a Christian?" and my son replied "Yes! Ofcourse he is a Brahmin-convert!!" Now I know it is God's perfect plan and requested my son to drop me in your home and am here now. I don't know what is your need or how much you need but AS GOD COMMANDED, I COUNTED ALL THE MONEY IN MY LOCKER AND IT AMOUNTS TO Rs.5000/-. Kindly have it!!"

Filled with tears, I got the cover in my hand and after opening it, drops of tears evolved in to flood. There were 1 and 2 Rupee coins in it!! Exactly Rs.5000/- in the cover!! I thanked God! I know Livingston, not so closely, but as a student studying in my class in the high school. I had no contacts with him after that, not even his mobile number I had. God always sends His angels to save His children and this aunty, a true servant of God is one appointed for me!! There was no direct contact or communication between us. It is God who communicated. I proceeded to counselling and there were all the departments available in all 385 Engineering Colleges in Tamilnadu, except ECE in CEG!! My three options were 1) CEG Mechanical 2) CEG Mechanical and 3) CEG Mechanical and am in!! I am now a student of the most prestigious institution in the world, the first and the oldest technical university in Asia and where the Mechanical Engineering course was first introduced in India!! Dreaming to sit inside the premises of the Red dome building, a dream of 6 lakh students of Tamilnadu at that time and which remained a dream for all except the cream 2000 of Tamilnadu!! Praise the Lord!! Glory to His matchless name!!

Even after I entered the college, God enabled me to stand in the top 5 in my department. I was awarded a fellowship to carry out my summer research in Germany, which only 200 students in India got out of thousands who had applied. God helped me right from filling the application form, getting consent from a German professor, selection, booking my flight ticket (with nil bank balance!!), my stay in Germany and my project. If I have to elaborate this, I need another 4 or 5 pages. God is so wonderful!

Whenever I think of my past, my heart will tell me, whatever I achieved is by God's Grace and only by God's Grace! When my friends had 3 or 4 sets of uniform, I had a single set of uniform that too sometimes an old one borrowed from a senior; when most of them bought brand new books, I borrowed books (neatly kept!) from a generous senior; when all my classmates went for School tour, I was stranded in home! Amidst all this, God gave me His grace and maturity to bear all things happily and patiently! With good academic achievements and extra-curricular and co-curricular achievements, I was awarded the "Best out-going student award" in the year 2003, when I have to leave the school after my eighth standard. I got calls from almost all the schools in my town, inviting me to join their schools! The next two years I exposed myself to all the inter-school competitions and social service activities! I was awarded the "Best student award" of my town, following the "Achiever Award" and "Top Achiever Award" by the Lions Club in 2005. I got 95% marks in my matriculation exams, 96% in my HSC and now a final year Mechanical Engineering student in CEG which I had always dremt about!! I remember with tears that I had written most of my HSC exams with empty stomach as I could not expect something to eat out of an empty vessel in home!! Out of all these, it is God who strengthened me and graciously led me through the darkness of my life, which I feel every moment!! Only in the dark, the beautiful stars are seen and so will be the ever-lasting love and never-ending grace of Lord Jesus!

Not only did Jesus helped me miraculously at the time of materialistic needs, but more than that he helped me mentally and spiritually too! Because what is more important is the inward man! My very nature before accepting Christ was so arrogant and unbearable! I used to get angry very soon even in silly issues and words that come out of my mouth will pierce anybody's heart (not bad words but!). I used to be so selfish; I can't bear anybody talking ill about me! All these were my characteristics! Not that only the time line is divided in to B.C and A.D, even my life (in that case, everyone who accepts Jesus Christ) can be divided! In B.C, the above stated characteristics featured me, but the change in my character was so obvious, not only to others, but to myself after accepting Christ! The fruits of salvation namely love, long-suffering and patience filled my heart! The man who can't bear anyone talking ill about him now accepted happily the words that came from the mouth of his friend's mom "Vijay?? He'll go to church or eat the shit!! Do your business!!" When I passed by his house, I heard these words and now as a completely changed man, I happily accepted! My anger subdued and patience and long-suffering filled my heart. My selfishness vanished and then I started to help people with whatever I had! I remember a day when a poor old man asked for a cup of tea, I had only 2 rupees for bus and I happily gave him that and walked back home (nearly 3 or 4 kms)! The love of Jesus changed me! He gave me a new heart! Praise the Lord! God is still changing me and it is high time to remember that the purpose of Christ's calling is to make us like Him, to transform us like Him, in our words, deeds, thoughts and actions! Jesus gives a new and transformed life and eternal happiness (even when you starve!).

I attribute all the goodness that I received in my life to Jesus Christ; the greatest of all being the salvation of my soul. The Almighty God humbled Himself, came down to take upon Himself all the sins of the world, died on the cross and resurructed on the third day and still alive. He who found me and lifted my head is powerful and faithful to do the same and even more in your life. Glory to God! Amen!

Truely God's Gift!

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of GOD's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine. 

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so sweetly,
When in my hands they fade and die. 

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of GOD's design,
Then how can I think I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine? 

So I'll trust in Him for His leading
Each moment of every day.
I will look to him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way. 

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose. 

Because this life, as haste and swift,
I believe it's truly my God's Gift!